It’s a New Year, and during this time I’m sure you’ll have heard friends and family make cliched statements and resolutions of ”This year, I’m going to change!”, ”This year, I’m going to start a new diet!”, ”I’m going to make this year a successful one for me!”, but in reality, those ambitions rarely come to fruition. The answer to this is very simple, it comes down to will power, habit and routine. However, this article is not about why we don’t make resolutions stick. It’s about something you should do if you are in the situation of having toxic people in your life, and why you should cut them out of your life!
Wait, isn't this website about doing good?
Now before I continue I’d like to make a few disclaimers. Yes, I’m all for compassion, kindness and understanding someone’s perspective and my stance on this doesn’t change. I still believe and coach clients to have this mindset when working on removing negativity in their life. This is so important, as when you are aware of someone’s history, and the trauma they have encountered, it provides you a much fuller picture to make an assessment on whether they will bring value to your life. And even in many cases, you can help that person grow and develop too. As long as this is coming from a good place in yourself and not the place that tries to ”fix” people, which is often a characteristic associated to people pleasers, and can also be the sign of a deeper issue too.
Once you know someone for a certain period of time you form a fuller opinion of them. In dating relationships, this phase is called the post-honeymoon period, which is the period that follows a section of time in at the beginning of the relationship where both partner wears rose-tinted glasses and can last anywhere from a few months to years, but it’s all relative regardless of who you meet in life. If you like that person initially or perhaps even have to work with them, you have to get along with them to a point, so you will also need to understand what value they bring to the table (as should they!). Now by value, I don’t mean a transactional exchange or a ‘high status’ value pass down. No, I mean they have some sort of quality that will add to your life, maybe they are calm, present, patient, fun, positive, courageous – essentially any quality that is aligned with high vibrational energy.
When to question toxic nature, and what you should do about it!
You may realise that after a certain point of knowing someone, this person is very passive aggressive, or get’s very anxious by certain triggers. Other behaviours to look out for are being controlling and domineering, emotional manipulative, judgemental, non-apologetic, blame, creating drama, inconsistent hot and cold behaviour and self-centredness. Also it’s important to note we all have elements of these behaviours and they all lie on spectrum. So someone it’s necessarily toxic if they have one or several behaviours, but a lot of times you’ll know in your gut when something doesn’t feel right.
Regardless, if they bring that pent up trauma energy and release it at you that’s when you really need to question things. As I’ve previously stated in this article, I’m all for helping people who want to help themselves, but most people trapped in a negative spiral don’t want to help themselves, even when you show them the road to follow. I know this as I’ve been caught out with several friends who needed help but were unable to follow the path they needed to heal themselves.
This can also open a pandora’s box as when you find out something about someone you may realise they have more serious personality defects. Many times people that display toxic behaviour have personality defects that can fall into the dark triad personality matrix which are made up of narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Again, we all display these to a certain extent and they lie on a spectrum. My point is to make you aware that toxic behaviour if not dealt with can be an iceberg where even more unsavoury behaviour is hidden under the surface.
If you know someone like this, I urge you to speak to them first. If you’ve got this point in the article, your happiness is being effected and you need to change the dynamics. However, if they don’t listen to your concerns, don’t show any awareness, take responsibility or make any effort to change that’s when you need to consider cutting the cord. It sounds harsh, but it’s a battle you will not win. And I don’t wish for you to waste time on people that essentially don’t respect you or themselves. Sure, lot’s of people have went through bad and traumatic events in life, myself included. But you either confront those demons and take action to improve or you sink further and further into negativity. Many people don’t do the work on a unconscious level so are trapped in this negative paradigm forever. This is why you should work with a coach or a therapist if you have negativity in your life and want perspective and not simply vent at a partner or family member. As over time they will grow to resent you, rather than sympathise with your situation.
I’m at a stage in my life now where I do want to help people which I why I set up this website and the wealth of article and videos I have contained on it. But if those people in my life don’t appreciate me or have narcissistic tendencies that is a huge red flag that anyone should be aware of, and personally I’m not be afraid to go my own way if I see too many of these reg flags, followed by questionable behaviour and attitudes. This does take discipline however, and you need to be OK with the prospect of walking away. Throughout my time I’ve also found that women once pushed to far tend to be better at doing this, however at the same time many women when they are still invested also tend to worry about the consequences, such as social rejection or judgement. My advice here is simply, make a decision, and stick to it, unless proven otherwise.
Some of this also ties into what you want out of life. Where do you want to be? What type of people do you want in your life? If you don’t know or haven’t thought about, now is the perfect time to start thinking about it. A lot of the people we meet in life aren’t meant to be with us for the duration of the journey but it’s your job to find what tribe you want to belong to and what values you have. These of course, can develop and change over time. But if you are going to be able to walk away, it makes it much easier to know where you are heading, therefore you are less likely to get lost on the way…
Once you make to a decision, it is essentially reinforced through habit. If you want to ensure you are happier this year, you have to commit to it. Do not allow others to get caught up in self-destructive behaviour that a negative consequence on you, but also realise that you are not in control of others actions (coincidentally this the type of behaviour that can be deemed toxic). Do not allow people to sweet talk you into having them back in your life, unless there is just cause. As I always say, don’t judge someone by their words, judge them by their behaviours and actions!
So for 2019, I urge you to go your own way with your tribe of people that want to go with your flow rather than toxic people who only project the misery of their life onto you!
TAGS: LET GO, RELATIONSHIPS, TOXIC PEOPLE